semantics

Yesterday, as I was ruing the fact that I hadn't worked out in days other than during my bike commute, and melting the butter for a truly wicked chocolate sheet cake (http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2007/06/the_best_chocol/), I started to think about how difficult it is for me to be committed. Indeed, I would even argue that I fear commitment (see, e.g., male/female relationships of a personal nature). Thus, we see the repetitive cycles of my life - abandoned diets, short-lived exercise efforts and the like, and the accompanying whine of "it's too hard to commit."

Yet on the other hand, my life is overwhelmingly full of what I would term obsessive interests. For example, the devotion to crafts can be demonstrated with my persistence in finishing yet another row even though it's 3:00 a.m. and I have to go work the next day. Or, the need to continue making fantastical, really gorgeous baked desserts despite living by myself with only choco-allergic canines. And then there are the 16 (or 54, or 108) episode Korean drama marathons. All shining exemplars of obsession, which, it need be said, are not limited to extracurriculars. My type-A attention to detail regarding professional writing is also closely related to the obsession gene.

Commitment feels hard. In theory, it involves working against one's nature, diligence, and a stoic kind of Protestant work ethic. Obsession though, is easy in its involuntary, whimsical nature, as it is more akin to surrendering to the tide of your interests. Regardless, both involve immersion in an activity and true dedication. It's just that one is much more fun and feels infinitely easier, rather than a trial of patience.


So I'd like to say, screw commitment. Isn't it possible to reframe one's mind into productive obsession? Can't I become obsessed with exercise, and whole grains, and a more positive attitude towards work? I think it's worth a try. After all, it all depends on perspective.

era's end

It sounds so dramatic, to think that we are standing at the precipice, overlooking the next decade already. I can still remember the drama surrounding the thought of the new millennium, and the welling feeling that great things lay ahead.

Today, at the end of 2010, there is a niggling sense of dissatisfaction. Reflecting on the past year, I can't help but feel unfulfilled. If you asked me, I couldn't say that there was any great horrifying event that marred this year for me. Certainly not at the level that many people have to deal with, and for that, I am tremendously thankful. Regardless, I feel as though this year was a series of little disappointments, a lack of progress, and a sense of limbo that has been difficult to shake. I am discontented and frustrated, and it threatens to color my recollection of the year.

Mulling it over with my mother, I mentioned how other friends of mine seemed to have such good years, and she responded with the chestnut that it's human nature to believe other people are happier than ourselves, but in reality, no one is that happy. Now, that's a typically depressing thought from her, but it led me to think further - is it a question of managing expectations? Isn't it true that if we don't expect anything of ourselves, we won't disappoint ourselves either?

Well, yes, but who wants to live like that?

It seems to me that that may just be an excuse to race to the bottom. With no expectations, no hope for achievement, it's true one won't be disappointed, but then there's nothing to inspire ourselves. If we take the paved road that we can see stretching in front of us to the clearly marked destination, things may happen, but it's pure luck. The overall journey, despite that, is completely predictable. You end up where the path said you were going to go. But what if we take the weirdo path that is overgrown and unmarked? It's risky, but possibly rife with great rewards. Unfortunately, the very drive, the striving for something better, naturally ends in at least some sense of defeat for some of the time. After all, no one wins all the time.

What's the answer? It must be a balance between the two - having goals to work towards, and learning to savor the little victories along the way. Self help experts always say you should break down great goals into manageable steps, and there's something to that. Perhaps I haven't changed my life hugely this past year - there are elements that I wanted to change and haven't. But I have managed to accomplish some great things, and I am proud of that. Next year, I'll tackle some other goals, and maybe I'll nail some, and some will surely continue to slide. We'll see.

So, sayonara 2010. You weren't the worst year, and you weren't the best. But I got through you a stronger person, and I'm sure 2011 will be just as challenging. Not because I'm passively allowing things to happen to me, but because I'm looking for that hilly goat track off to the side that hopefully leads to the better view.

multiplying

Lately I have these incidents where I see things and think, oh, that would make a good post, but then find myself handicapped by an inability to remember it by the time I get home. You see, in an effort to maintain proper distance between my workplace (not an appropriate blogging location) and anywhere else (blogging-friendly locale), I have concluded that this is why people twitter. But also it has made me contemplate that this is how people start to/continue to lose that filter between brain and mouth, or in this case, fingertips. It's important, really, to remember that not everything you find remarkable (in its most pure form, meaning worth of remarking about) actually is. I find that many problems can be traced to that same root - that people frequently fail to pause and consider whether what they are about to say is important, appropriate, or adds value. Along the same lines, it makes me wonder if saying someone is calculating is really the pejorative that people automatically think it is. Perhaps it is just noting that someone takes the time to calculate the weight of their words - which is not such a bad thing.

Ahem. That was random - sorry.

Now to completely fly in the face of the above, I will return to the original purpose of this post, which was to wonder if there is some new trend in the world regarding bikes with strangely high handlebars. I wish I had a picture - I will try to remember to take one later on - but there has been a bike for some time in my garage with these crazy high handlebars. They start in the same place as normal ones, but then after they split into the right and left sides they extend for at least 1.5 feet before terminating in handles. At first there was only the one, but today I noticed for the first time a second one. They're multiplying! My thought is that they must be more ergonomically friendly or something, but isn't that what those odd reclining bikes are for? Maybe this is the cheap man's version. Despite this, I have never actually seen one in use, so I can't tell.